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neuroticwaytobe [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
neuroticwaytobe

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Physics project. [Mar. 11th, 2008|07:27 pm]
[Current Mood | crappy]

Today, I woke up with the dread of having to go to school again, pfft. I did my Biology and Physics homework, and rushed off to school. It was raining so heavily and I got drenched, haha. Waited for that damn 73 bus for maybe almost half an hour, so I got really pissed. The bus was like super crowded! I am like so afraid of crowds .. I started shaking. So there was this group of like adults blocking the exit and I was all like, excuse me and they didn't move. I got angry so I like shouted, "oh my god can you move?" and squeezed my way through. Showed them the middle finger after. Got off the bus, saw Jia Ying and Joan. Had the normal welcome - poking in the stomach. Saw Kirthana and walked to school. On our way to school, we saw Miss Lee and Miss Mok sharing an umbrella. They waved at us so we waved back. Miss Mok asked us, where we were going. And I was like, school? Then Miss Lee was all like, obviously.. to Miss Mok and they laughed and said bye. Did I mention Kirthana broke my umbrella, and the bottom thingy, came off. Haha. Went to the computer lab, was super cold. Considering the fact I was drenched. Switched on the computer and it totally hanged. I got pissed off again and just switched it off. So basically, we did our Physics project today. The object just kept accelerating, I'm like god..will this thing ever decelerate? So we moved the ramp thingy, further haha. It stopped near my knees I am all like, ooh.

So I went to print the graph thingy, haha. The printer was so weird.. It kept shaking. Kinda remind me of a washing machine so I started thinking about housewives. Then I realised there wasn't any paper in it, I'm like wow, why do the people and things around me always piss me off. Got a whole stack of paper and pushed it all in angrily. Then waited for almost ages to get the damn graph. So when it came out, it reminded me of childbirth, then I am all like..oooh again. I kept thinking of Connor the whole day, although I know I shouldn't, haha. He's on my mind all the time. I won't really say I hate him, because I still have some sort of, feelings towards him though I know I shouldn't because I deserve someone better. It's alright though, I'm trying to learn from my experience. The days feel like years, without him. LOL. I sound like .. nevermind. I hate memories, those that never fail to depress you everytime you think about it.
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I am trying to change. [Mar. 10th, 2008|07:37 pm]
[Current Mood | exanimate]

I push people away from me, without noticing. I hate how it happens, and the feeling when you realise it has. :( Alot has happened in the past few days, but it just can't be explained in words... I just wish I could turn back time, and wish everything could go back to the way it was. I'm pretty much confused at the moment. Confused about life, school, and most importantly, myself. Every time I write, I feel like I have skipped something I should have said or have left something out completely. Nothing will ever be whole or complete. I go to school, but this doesn’t mean, I know what I want to do once I leave. I have a family, its not always loving, but we do care for each other a lot. There are so many things I wish I could tell someone about, but they're only gonna be like, "meh." I want to be self motivated, and have something I want so bad, that I will strive towards it. I want to pass out good energy to people around me, and never let anyone feel un- important. I want to always think positive. I want everything to fit like a puzzle, and suddenly feel complete. I want to find the missing piece and feel whole again. I want to be able to accept what life throws at me and move on, knowing everything happens for a reason. I want to feel as though everyday is a new adventure rather than a struggle to pull the sheets and get out of bed.
I want someone to be a big part of my life, and I to be a big part of theirs. I get so worried easily, I panic alot. I get too paranoid at times, and I do get jealous easily. I want to know who I am, and be so sure of it.

I want to be the sort of person people like being around. I want to be someone that people can turn to. I want to never let people slip away. I want to be able to say "I still know them". I want to keep friends, and never lose them over silly things. I want to be self confident and accept the way I am. I pretty much always want to be someone else for just a split second. I'm starting to realise who I really am now. And I'm slowly starting to accept myself the way I am. I am pretty contented with myself right now. Looking at the people out there, I know where I stand. I'm thankful that I wasn't born with any "abnormalities" whatsoever. I'm thankful for everything I do have. I'm trying hard to change at the moment. It's not easy for me but what the heck.. I should bloody start standing up for myself instead of being all quiet. I don't wanna be a follower. 
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I want to go to Brisbane. [Mar. 3rd, 2008|05:21 pm]
[Current Mood | enraged]

I don't like going to school. I have really awesome friends at school, but I just wanna get a transfer, really desperately. I've always wanted to the moment I stepped into school this very year. I'm just starting to feel alot like shit in school each day. Though I don't show it but complain alot to my dear best friend and she has to put up with it. I keep repeating it over and over and over again. I talked to my parents about it, and they're all, "only one more year manisha" and I am like whatever.. Once I'm done with my O's, I'm going to Brisbane in Australia, my parents promised. They just don't know about the whole Connor thing. And I'm saving up my money, so I get to be with him once again. I don't wanna go to school.. anymore. I don't like it there.. The people are great.. but I just hate it there.. there are a bunch of assholes that make me feel like shit. I try so hard to put up with it but I might just lose my temper any minute. I complain and complain about it to Sheryl everyday when we walk to school together and back home when I'm with Farah, Kirthana, basically everyone whom I'm close to. I just hate going to school, and I hate it more and more each day. I really wanna get out of here, so badly.  So, during the holidays I'm gonna continue being an idiot, but this time at a huge shopping mall and get the daily attention I need. Anyway, I kinda hate the fact that most of my entries are about Connor and Aiden. I don't talk to the both of them anymore. Haha. Aiden pissed me off today. As you can see on my tagboard, he decided to spamness. That was before he pissed me off today, and I got really superly annoyed and pushed him really hard. He made me super frustrated. He's not talking to me, I'm not talking to him. End of story. Although I wish that we could go back to where we were once again, eventhough this whole thing wasn't even my fault to begin with but I completely lost my trust in him. I don't know. I hate to not talk to people. I like being friends with everyone around me. But I guess I can turn unfriendly at times. Lol. Okay, I'm gonna drop the subject. So, today was the Sports Heats thingo. I didn't go. Don't ask why, but I talked to my teacher about it a day before :D. But I like bloody wanted to take part in the 200m because, man nevermind it. At least there's relay left. So, I'm gonna be like the last runner. Haven't started on Physics project yet. English project is done. Kirthana, myself and the rest were being major idiots in the toilet. I was screaming for no apparent reason, yet again. Went back home, played some heavy metal music, hit my head too hard on the table while listening to it and got excited when hearing Oliver Syke's voice. Then I slept like an ass. I dreamt of something incredibly stupid. I was riding on a horsey with Ashton Kutcher. Wait, no. That wasn't the dream. I think I imagined that during Maths lesson today. I'm such an idiot. Nothing much happened today anyways. Holiday starts tomorrow. I hate going to school, so hooray at that, but I also hate staying at home. In short, I hate life. Well atleast nowadays, I do.
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Life. [Feb. 29th, 2008|07:43 pm]
[Current Mood | gloomy]

Everyone has a happy ending and if you're not happy, it's not the end. Some stories are long and it's the chapters they hold that make them great. People change and life changes too, but you're always the same person you were back when. Hold up your head and keep on living because in the end it's worth it all. Its worth the hurt, the heartbreak, the memories, it's worth everything. Everything happens for a reason and it's your decision upon taking the risk, because either way you go, you know it's what you wanted and if not, you wouldn't have chose it in the beginning. I'm not perfect. I'm no where near that. I'm just a simple girl living each day to its fullest, trying to figure out what I really want in my life. What truly matters, is what my heart desires, how to make my dreams come true. I have my ups and downs just like everyone else, and sometimes it makes me upset. Upset to the point where I take it out on people but I really dont mean to. Somedays, I'm complicated. I'm still growing up and learning who I trust and who is really here for me, who actually deserves my time and being. I've lost friendships but at the same time, I've gained friendships along the way. I wouldn't trade the ones I have for any. I can be unpredictable and random at times. And for whatever reason, I just love getting attention. Right now, I'm happy with myself and with who I'm slowly becoming. I'm trying to get my life straightened out, and get back on the right path with school and with some other things. 
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A boy. [Feb. 16th, 2008|07:51 pm]
[Current Mood | disappointed]

There's this boy, his name is Connor. He can make me feel super happy, and super shitty at times. The things he say makes me smile and I feel awesome for days, but sometimes, the things he say makes me so upset and I don't feel like talking to people. Sometimes, I feel that he's the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me, and there are days I regret knowing him. There are times, that by just knowing that he's there for me, makes me feel glad for having someone like him in my life. But there are times, I feel like he's not going to be there for me anymore. There are times, that I feel that nothing can ever come in between us and separate us, but there are also times I feel that the little things I say can hurt him so much, and I start hating myself. There are times I feel that he doesn't deserve someone as horrible as me, and there are times I feel that I don't deserve someone as horrible as him. There are times I feel so used, and there are times I feel that I am using him. To be honest, he's the best person I've ever met in my entire life. Though there are times he can make me feel like shit. He's the only person that really, really, understands me. And he knows when I am upset, without even me, telling him. He tries to make me happy, but sometimes, he just doesn't know that there are certain things that he says, make me feel a whole lot worse about myself. His birthday is in three days. Sometimes, I wish I could be there for him. He doesn't have much people around him. I don't want to make him feel sucky. But, I really don't know. I have no clue as to what's gonna happen in the next few days, months, years. I really don't know. Chances are, I am gonna piss him off until he doesn't feel like talking to me anymore, or the other way round. Then, I'll lose the most important person in my life. I guess I shouldn't be making him a priority when he's only making me an option. As a matter of fact, I can feel really shitty by talking to him, but I feel so much worse when I don't talk to him at all.

I know, that it is going to be so difficult for me to find someone like him, ever. Not everyone will be able to understand me as much as he does. And not everyone accepts me the way I am. Basically, everyone points out the flaws in me, every single where I go. Not only my friends, even my own family members. I get so upset. But this Connor kid, doesn't bother about a damn thing at all. He likes me for who I am. Sad to say, he doesn't like me anymore. There's a new someone in his life. I guess it happens, and obviously for a reason. I just didn't expect it to happen, and more importantly, happen the way it did. I guess we can still remain friends, but knowing he's not by my side makes me feel so, sucky. There isn't much people whom I can really talk to, and is willing to listen and help me out whatever the problem is. I've basically lost the most important person to me, in my life. I don't know what the hell I am going to do. I don't know how I am going to enjoy life, knowing he's not there anymore. I don't know how I am ever going to forget him, because he's on my mind all the time eventhough I know this isn't the case with him, anymore. Because he has someone else to think of and laugh with, and also be a moron with. It's the first time I've really felt this way to someone, and I give alot. And don't expect much in return. I just want whoever I am with to feel like the luckiest person ever. I don't know what to do. Who the heck am I supposed to even look forward to talking to now, everyday. I guess I do have a bunch of awesome people that surround me. Very true. But I feel like shit right now. It's so hard to erase him off my life. He may have super blondeish hair and extremely reddish lips, and be super annoying, but I like him because of his personality. 
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(no subject) [Feb. 12th, 2008|07:56 pm]
[Current Mood | jealous]

Today is pretty much the worst day, of all worst days I've had. I don't think I can even begin to explain everything that has gone on this week. It's completely over between him and me. I never thought it would happen, nor did I ever expect it to happen like this. But more importantly, I never thought it to be this difficult to get over it. There is just a point when someone becomes such an ugly person on the inside, no memories can bring the goodness of that relationship back to make up for it. He is so far gone; I don't even know who he is anymore. The person I talk to everyday is not him. There is spiritual warfare raging inside him. And evil is in the lead. When I talk to him, I'm afraid. I'm afraid for everything that I know is happening in him that he may not even realize. I see corruptness, I see a broken spirit, I see a person so lost, and in a small fraction of a moment I see a glimpse of someone crying for help behind all the hurtful words he puts up. I can't fight this battle for him and it just breaks my heart to sit on the sideline and watch him die. You can't save someone who doesn't want to live. It's true I feel as if I have lost a part of me. We've both been through happy moments and sad moments in our lives. He was there for me, I was there for him. He listened to me, while everyone else walked away. He made me realise how wonderful life can be. He accepts me the way I am. He likes being silly just as much as I do. And eventhough he may be only 16 this year, I really feel he's someone worth looking up to. He's been through all that shit in life with me and was also there when Brent left all of us. Exactly 725 days, the best 725 days of my life. And I never thought this would happen. I really do feel like shit right now. It's so difficult to erase him off my life, but I see no point in doing so, when at one point, he was my life. I guess things do happen for a reason. And I didn't really expect this to happen, at all. Not at all. I really can't imagine what I would be like in the next few hours, days, weeks.. months. But hopefully, everything gets better. I really have no idea why I suck so much. I'm so pissed off at myself and life. I don't know where I went wrong. I really don't know. Also, I'm losing a very close friend. I'm trying so hard to change. And I give up, really. 
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(no subject) [Feb. 6th, 2008|07:57 pm]
[Current Mood | crazy]

 Life has been on and off lately. I've felt so busy these past few weeks, overwhelmed with school and attempting to keep sane with the small amount of time in each day. There just honestly isn't enough time in the day to be able to do the things I want to. I started school like five weeks ago already. I am just so unquestionably over high school. It isn't even that I dislike school – I actually enjoy school for the most part and I've learned that it isn't complicated if you just do your work when you're supposed to – but I'm utterly annoyed by the stupidity of high schoolers. Could people just, I don't know, grow the hell up? I laugh my ass off at most of the juniors who think they're being all cool. They go around saying hi to random people, like me once, so I said bye. The next thing I know, the guy's stalking my friend and I. On the plus side, I have a stalker. Anyways, today didn't suck as much as I thought it would. I didn't screw up during the performance or whatever. I have to agree it was outrageous though. I wanted to pee so badly. Haha.
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